A Wannabe's Denial

Yes I am a wannabe runner. I have been in denial and still am in denial. My denial is 2 fold, the first is that, I was not made to be a runner, and the second, is that I’m ageing but I just refuse to accept it.

I’m suffering from chrondomalacia and iliotibial inflammation right now. It’s an old and recurring injury which I suffered from previously due to my flat feet and wide Q angle. I was relieved from these injuries ever since I got my orthotics but they came back to haunt me due to overuse. In a nutshell, I just wasn’t made to be a runner. I was made to bear children, obvious from my child bearing hips. But since bearing children is not a viable option right now (ie some element is missing from the whole procreation process, ahem..) I have no choice but to stick to running. Oh but not for now I guess.

The other problem is also that my whole body is ageing and deteriorating while my mind doesn’t think so. I still remember the time when I used to workout 2x a day, 7x a week without any problems. Well that was a good 10 years ago. Obviously, my body takes a longer time to recover now, and while I have a strong will to push myself harder, my body usually gives up on me first. This is a strong reminder again that this life is temporal..and I’m just waiting for the day that my body will be renewed without all these aches and pains. Speaking of which, I wonder if I’ll do any running in heaven? Will it be necessary? Or will I be like Bionic Woman, where I can run all day without feeling tired?

My friend asked me a question this morning, “Why do you want to run when you keep getting all these problems?” And she’s an ex-marathoner too, now retired from running due to injuries. She’s into yoga these days. I looked at her and said, “well, you know the high you get from running right? And you know the feeling after a marathon right?” I thought about it. Why DO I want to run? Well, firstly that’s that feeling of euphoria after a run, and secondly, I think it’s a weight issue that drives me to run. As I mentioned earlier, I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, and for as long as I live, I think I’ll always feel like there’s a need to lose weight. And running is such a great way to lose weight. But I am “out of order” now.

Although it feels a little miserable, I have to say that in the past I would get tremendously depressed about it.Now? I guess I just have to be thankful and grateful to the Lord that I’m even fit enough to walk.

I often wonder, what if I had to amputate my leg? Although I still love running,I guess there is more to life than just running.

Today’s exercise:

4.4km outdoor walk