Battling Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I often make a joke about my body dysmorphic disorder(BDD) but seriously, it isn't really funny. I've just discovered that BDD actually does fall under OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I guess it's the same thing that

1. it is a mental disorder
2. it is irrational

It's funny that although I have a distorted image of my body shape, I could never be anorexic nor bulimic. I could never be anorexic because I can't imagine starving myself, knowing that I won't have energy to run...I love running too much to give it up. (unless if I have to because of physical or health reasons, that is a different issue alltogether). And I can't imagine sticking my finger down my throat after every meal - that is disgusting.

So it remains a mental issue to me.

It's also strange because as far as I can remember, until I turned 18 I never worried about the way I look. Media and people around you have such great influence. I began to be more conscious about my body shape when I was in college, when boys used to tease me about my weight. Actually looking back I wasn't that fat, chubby yes, but I'd seen fatter people. BUt all the teasing has scarred me and still goes with me until now.

It was this whole reason that I'd started exercising..I've been exercising for 18 years now, and I love it. I exercise not just to lose weight but it makes me fitter and healthier. But sadly my mental health is not as good - I have to get rid of this perception that I am fat. I know that sometimes when I lament about this to friends, people find it hard to understand - especially those who are bigger than me - and they may think I'm insensitive, but it really is a psychological issue. I have double standards against myself. There are people who are bigger than me, but I don't see them as fat but I see myself as fat. And for people who tell me "oh be happy with yourself", I think "yea right, easy for you to say when you are so slim".

Although I know that my physical body will not last, yet I am still preoccupied with it. I know I should be thinking of a more eternal perspective, yet I am still caught up with earthly matters.

I seriously have a problem, but I dont know how to get out of it. I know what I'm supposed to do, but it's such a struggle.